In The Middle of Nowhere
by kumo tires
Summary: R- for language (cos Cid is in it XD). AU. Rating is just to be safe. Turk VincexCid slash. Chapter 2 is here! yay? XD
1. Stuck In The Hot Pit of Hellish Torture

Disclaimer: FF7 belongs to Squaresoft. And if I could buy it, I would only be able to buy the game and stocks (most likely).  
  
Author notes: AU (cos it contains the past Vincent and a Cid, and then talks about the Vamp Vincent.and a still-young Cid Oo; Plot holes, don't ask). Um.also, OOC, lots of it, on Vincent's part anyway, Cid should be okay. ~~  
  
Part I: Stuck in a hot pit of hellish Torture  
  
The sun was shining down on him, his rent-a-car's slightly chipped red paint now looked almost immaculate in the natural light and the wind was tossing about his short black hair in a playful manner.  
  
Translation: The sun was beating down on him like many hammers of heat, his car's paint was reflecting the light and blinding him if he ever happened to GLANCE in it's direction and the wind was whipping sand through his hair and stinging his face.  
  
In short, Vincent Valentine was not very happy.  
  
"GAH!" Came his shout of anger.  
  
*Clunk!* Said the abused metal.  
  
"AAH!" Yelped the Turk, hopping around on one foot while attempting to massage his offended foot through his shoe.  
  
And now, to add to his growing list of pains and sufferings, his foot throbbed painfully in time with his heartbeat and his rent-a-car now had a little dent in it. Gah, he was probably going to get charged for that. Future note #459: Unless body part is metal (or something as equally hard and unforgiving), do not attempt to attack hard objects when afore- mentioned body parts are only "protected" by leather.  
  
Vincent, now done with his attempt of soothing his pains (or, at least, one of them), he put his mind back on track. His main problem, his numero uno.um. Whatever language THAT was, he just ran out of words for it. Ah, he was digressing again.  
  
Anyway, what was thinking about?  
  
Oh yes, his problem.  
  
His car broke down. In the middle of nowhere. And it just so happened that this "middle of nowhere" had no trees or any vegetation (minus the random cactar that loved to pop up from under him and scare him shitless) and thus did not protect him from the harsh sun and rough terrain. Did he mention that he was stuck in a desert? Did he mention his car broke down? Would you like to know why it broke down? "IT OVER HEATED!"  
  
Yes, there was your answer. No surprise though, since he WAS in a desert. Crap, now he couldn't stop the wedding and now, now.  
  
"Lucrecia."  
  
Okay, okay Vincent, you're doing fine. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry-  
  
"I'm NOT crying." The irritated Turk yelled at the sky.  
  
Immediately, a spiky green plant popped up from underneath him-kicking up sand as it came out-and stared at him before taking off in the opposite direction.  
  
Yelping his surprise, Vincent promptly staggered back before his injured foot got in the way of his good one and tripped him, causing him to land neatly on his ass. Fighting the urge to yell out again (for dignities sake and to save him from being frightened by yet another cactar), he finally began to apply his Turk training to figure a way out of this horrendous situation.  
  
So, he was stuck in desert, his car had broken down due to the excessive heat, he had no water or coolant of any kind and he was injured.  
  
What are the first steps you should take to insure your survival?  
  
Vincent thought, and he thought long and hard. Obviously taking aggressive action wouldn't get him anywhere (except, maybe killed. You never know how cactar would react to gunshots) and he wasn't stuck in a losing fight so strategy wouldn't be very helpful either. Vincent thought, and he thought loooong and hard.  
  
Sadly, he came up with a blank.  
  
Frustration and aggravation (which is actually the same thing) boiled his blood but he managed to calm himself before HE overheated. Heck, he didn't want to end up like his car. It looked pretty sad sitting there in the sand, red paint glinting (blindingly) in the sunlight and it's grey chips showing like angry wounds along the body. Its hood was popped open (after much screaming from him, which lead to future note #458: don't touch overheated metal with your bare hands, duh) and steam was still steadily pouring out of the engine. Okay, except the steam was now coming out in wisps instead of clouds; but still, steady stream.  
  
Ack, he was digressing again.  
  
Okay, let's take this step-by-step. Step one, open your eyes and take stock of your surroundings. Obediently, Vincent widened his eyes and began to look around, trying to find a sign or even a clear road that suggested civilization nearby. Instead, he found something better: "Highwind's Mechanic Shop."  
  
Oh gods, was he just standing around for hours on end screaming to the heavens when there was a mechanics shop nearby? Someone hated him, or just wanted to see him make a foot out of himself for their amusement.  
  
With a sigh, Vincent began to trudge through the sand, aware that his new shoes were now gritty, his once spiffy suit now not so.spiffy, and his hair a mess. Letting out another sigh, the Turk began to feel sorry for himself. First, he lost Lucrecia to the freakish, hump-backed scientist named Hojo (more like Hobo), then his car broke down in a crappy desert, and now, he looked like Palmer run over by a truck.  
  
Okay, not as bad as Palmer. Maybe a rat.  
  
While he complained to himself while he walked, Vincent failed to notice the little stub of green and prickles sticking up in the sand before it was too late. The only coherent thought that was allowed to run through his head was: "Hey, the ground is actually solid here, did I-" He was about to think "find something?" but the cactar that popped out from the sand, screaming shrilly in annoyance, stopped his train of thought directly in its tracks and sent it shooting backwards.  
  
Once again, Vincent fell on his arse (with a strong sense of dejavu), frozen for a moment before he began fumbling for his gun. Surprisingly, the monster plant didn't run off, instead, it posed a stiff fighting stance and prepared to spray him with its needles. Too late did Vincent realize that he was missing his gun (he had thought it would be inappropriate to crash a wedding AND bring a weapon) and it was just pure luck that was able to bring his arms up in time to fend off some of the dangerous quills.  
  
Helpless and not exactly willing to try to tackle a pincushion, Vincent sat with his arms covering his face (and his suit covering his arms, which actually helped quite a bit) and obediently took the punishment with only a few winces and a number of ouches as some of the needles struck home.  
  
Finally, the stupid vegetable was satisfied with its spray job and took off in the opposite direction, screaming shrilly again and probably throwing insults at the wounded Turk. Now, Vincent was sure he could never look at greens on his dinner without giving it a once over.  
  
Sighing with annoyance, but not about to give up (since the shop was about five feet away now), Vincent stumbled doggedly on.  
  
Somewhere in the future, Vincent will discover that this particular patch of desert was never named or even labeled on a map. So, while riding on the Highwind, he was able to snitch Cid's map and label-- with a big ass, red dot-- the desert as: The Hot Pit of Hellish Torture.  
  
~~  
  
IOkay, so Vincent is a bit of a wuss and not really "Turk" standards in this story. Don't hurt me (T.T). It's humour, please, have mercy XD Anyway, next chappie is with Cid! Yay, look forward to his swearing power!  
  
Will Vincent ever get to Cid's mechanics shop alive?  
  
Will the offending Cactar come back and finish the job?  
  
Does Vince look like a pincushion now?  
  
Will Cid think that Vincent is drop dead gorgeous once he enters the shop?  
  
Will the author ever shut up?  
  
Well, the last one I can answer, but the rest are plot holes XDI 


	2. It Goes From Bad, To Worse

Chapter II: It Goes From Bad, To Worse  
  
A/N: Um.more AU stuff, ignore it, this fic is going to be dubbed the "GIANT STRONG FAUST AU FIC!".too much Glay XD  
  
{.} = inner dialogue ".." = talking  
  
~~  
  
He had walked a countless number of miles, an innumerable number of steps, and what does he get?  
  
Sand in every available part of his body and a closed mechanics store. Could life get any worse?  
  
Something large and metal whacked the misshapen Turk upside his head before a voice bellowed from behind him.  
  
"THIS was where you were? You skipped my important event, for THIS?"  
  
Bent over and rubbing his head, Vincent was too aware of his employer, the large President Shinra, ranting and waving a now-dented megaphone behind him. Yes, in order to save Lucrecia, he had to skip out on one little mission.  
  
"Do you KNOW how humiliated I was??"  
  
Thwack!  
  
Argh, if the man didn't stop abusing Vincent's poor head, he soon wouldn't even know the bmeaning/b of humiliation, nevermind wonder how much he had embarrassed the President.  
  
"I was supposed to have FOUR honour guards, not three and a half!"  
  
Ah. So that was why he was embarrassed. So having Rude, Tseng, Elena, and Reno wasn't enough. And judging from the President's raving, Reno was the half. Probably playing hooky while the President was doing the ceremonial freak. Ugh, stupid kid, Vincent couldn't rely on him for anything.  
  
"And you know what else, Vincent Valentine?" howled the President, at the end of his leash of rage.  
  
"What? What else should I know? Do you know what kind of hell bI/b was experiencing out here? I didn't even get to finish bmy/b mission, nevermind byour's/b! So what did I miss?" Hissed Vincent angrily, before his mind could pull the reign. But Vincent was sure nothing could make his day worse than it was already. Nothing could top the fact that he lost Lucrecia. Poor, sweet Lucrecia, lost to that pasty-skinned man.  
  
"You're FIRED! THAT'S what!"  
  
Suddenly, Lucrecia wasn't that important anymore.  
  
"Wait, sir, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way, I just-"  
  
"You're just fired! Tseng, start up the helicopter, we're leaving!"  
  
"No, please, I-"  
  
"Sir?" Tseng interrupted before Vincent could really make an ass of himself and start begging on his hands and knees.  
  
Oh wait, he already was.  
  
"Yes, Tseng?" asked the President calmly, ignoring the whimpering ex-Turk.  
  
"Could we at least give him a lift back to Midgar? A deserted Turk found dead in a desert wouldn't do anything for your reputation."  
  
"Well."  
  
"Elections are coming up again next week." coughed Elena non-too- discreetly.  
  
So with a sigh and a huff, Vincent was grudgingly allowed on the helicopter. It wasn't until he was halfway back to the Shinra building (to gather his stuff) that he remembered that he had left his luggage and rent- a-car stuck out into the desert.  
  
He could already picture the bulky car garage owner glaring at him and reaching for a trusty wrench to bash his head in.  
  
"Ah.crap."  
  
~~1 hour later~~  
  
Ugh, could Turks even get fired? Wasn't that against some kind of Turk- protecting protocol?  
  
Vincent looked around himself to see his suitcases and random furniture taking up a good bit of the sidewalk.  
  
Well, apparently they could. And now, Vincent didn't have a place to stay (mainly because they only rented the rooms out to Turks, go figure) and his random furniture was getting snitched by an "innocent" passerby that just kept bpassing by/b until he was left with only his suitcases. Thank God he had a bad habit of sitting on his suitcases. His mother always complained that it ruined them, and actually, it did, but this time, it actually saved them.  
  
Well, at least he could be thankful for one thing.  
  
A strange rumbling noise occurred overhead until something boomed and light flashed. Before you could say "Jumping sheep and goats!" it was raining cats and dogs.  
  
"Since WHEN did it rain in MIDGAR?" howled Vincent to the sky.  
  
The aforementioned sky only boomed in return.  
  
Agh. Not only could Turks get fired now, it rained in Midgar as well. Shoot, today was the day for impossible happenings.  
  
Grabbing his stuff, Vincent slowly made his way to the nearest hotel, wondering how many nights he could stay there with fifty gil.  
  
~~ Elsewhere  
  
Hojo cackled foully. Then he chuckled in a sinister fashion. Finally, he broke into an all out crazed maniacal laughter.  
  
"I've done it!" he crowed! As he danced around, he failed to catch the sight of silver hair before it whisked out of the light and disappeared into another room.  
  
As thunder boomed outside, Hojo continued to giggle hideously until he choked on his spit. Lucrecia, roused by the amount of ruckus that her new husband was creating, peeked into the master bedroom and watched as her beloved retched and coughed until his throat was cleared. Thank God he was a mad scientist, or there wouldn't be ANYTHING good about that man.  
  
Ignoring his wife's presence, Hojo whispered harshly to himself (his throat was still soar, but the effect was too evil to resist), "Vincent Valentine, you are finally mine!" A chime suddenly sounded in the background and Hojo was able to come back to himself before he went too far into his present, ahem, "experiment."  
  
"Ooh, dinner time." He chirped sarcastically, wondering what on earth Lucrecia was able to come up with this time.  
  
As he trudged down the carpeted hall of their glorious mansion (aka their honeymoon site), Hojo paused by one bedroom and peeked through the door. The room was pitch dark, and even the light from the hallway, via the slightly open door, didn't do anything but illuminate a slim rectangle of the floor. His eyesight problem was fixed when sudden lightning flashed outside, lighting up the room and allowing him to see a glaring child, holding a dagger.  
  
Wait.  
  
"KYAA!"  
  
Hojo rubbed his ringing ears and cursed silently in his mind.  
  
{Damn that little brat; almost impaled me through the eye.}  
  
Fixing a stiff smile on his face, Hojo forced himself to ignore the dagger that was protruding from the wall (a mere inch from his head) and spoke to the silver-haired demon child that his new wife had picked up on the way to the mansion.  
  
"Well Sephiroth, it's dinner time. Won't you escort me to the dining room?"  
  
Sephiroth, the nine year-old squirt that binsisted/b on making his life a living hell ever since he came into their possession only hissed at him as he reached for his long sword. How the brat ever got so many sharp objects, Hojo could only wonder.  
  
Hastily backing out of the bedroom, Hojo made sure he was a safe distance away from the dangerous area before he began to mutter angrily under his breath. This was supposed to be a honeymoon for crying out loud! What woman in her right of mind would make a point to stop by the town orphanage and pick out a child before they even reached the mansion? It was supposed to be a time or romance, or something like that. Hojo was never good at this kind of thing, his mother always made sure he knew.  
  
A vicious hiss from behind him warned him of the second presence right before something small and hard smacked him upside his head. Snarling, he pivoted, ready to dish out many foul words to frighten the little monster, but when he turned, no one was there.  
  
Before he could blink in astonishment, something dropped from his head above and knocked him to the floor.  
  
"Down I go." he mumbled, as the room darkened around him.  
  
~~  
  
Sephiroth grinned happily as he watched the evil scientist fall onto the floor. Satisfied that he was temporarily unconscious, he clambered down from his perch on the rafters above (curse his short limbs) and dropped quite gracefully to the floor. Grinning evilly, Sephiroth drew out a knife and stalked towards the evil man before he stopped.  
  
Wait...who switched his knife?  
  
Cursing silently, Sephiroth heaved a sigh and hopped over the prone body to make his way down to the dining room. He was hungry after all, and he would rather use a butter knife to eat than spend half the time trying to cut through Hobo's skin.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Okay, there is officially no weather system in Midgar until now Oo; Yes, so rain is not a normal thing in Midgar not/b a typo =D Just in case you're wondering. 


End file.
